Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
