Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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