Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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