I think my fart just growled at me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
