our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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