Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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