I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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