You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
