if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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