I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
