He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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