I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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