I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
