It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The power of my boobs compel you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
