I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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