My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
