i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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