I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
