mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize