We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
