and you said cock pushups were impossible
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
