i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
