where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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