the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We have started to decorate penises.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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