My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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