my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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