Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
