I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize