How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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