You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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