Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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