Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
