I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
