wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
