I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
