I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
