I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
