Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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