i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I could make wine with my vomit
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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