Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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