Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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