Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
