end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize