Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
