my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
