the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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