I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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