I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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