the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
