Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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