I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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