Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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