Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
