I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
