I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
