Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
