if i can run in heels then i can drive
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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