Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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